Updated: Jun 15, 2020
DEALING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE
Evaluating your expectations can greatly change your life, especially when it comes to responding to narcissistic or toxic people around us. A change in expectations can have a great influence on the direction that our lives take.
To start with, it is essential to know that a change in expectations does not lower your standards or result in enforced boundaries. There is no need to reduce your standard or necessarily desert your boundaries when responding to toxic people. Once you identify a toxic person in your life, whether family or friendships, you can easily walk out of them. Your expectations should be realistic as you prepare to deal with the toxic people in your life.
People deal with toxic individuals differently depending on their expectations, even though the toxic individuals are in charge of their behaviour. Your expectations must be within the practical realistic ranges, then you can avoid a lot of pain from toxic people. We should gauge our expectations in regards to the actions or inactions that the toxic people in our lives might take, aspects that can greatly impact our lives. It is highly impossible to set high expectations of toxic people's responses because we can not predict the behaviour of such people in our lives.
You must base your expectations on what others are capable of doing instead of what you think they are. Even after communicating your needs and concerns and such toxic people continue to carry on with such behaviours, then it should dawn on you that that’s the reality. Should you decide to carry on with such a relationship, then carry on with caution, with an understanding that that's how things are, and that they are out of your control.
If other people's behaviour does not conform to your standards, then the decision to carry on or stop such relationships entirely on you. deciding to remain in such relationships and expecting change is unrealistic, and there is a likelihood of failure and disappointments. Failure and pain are likely even in situations where the people hurting you are not narcissistic, and they will continue disappointing you until and unless you opt-out.
It is understandable to expect more from other people, but it is essential to understand that you will not always get what you deserve or need in return. It is important to know that your expectations will not always be met by other people no matter how many times you ask for it or how long you wait.
It is important that you essential that you have a realistic perspective of every situation. Your expectation of things or result from others should not be tied to your view of their ability to deliver. In many instances, people will fail to deliver to you as per your expectations, not because they do not want to, but because they can do as they please. Irrespective of whether it is the other people’s responsibility to deliver in set situations, they might end up failing, something that you should understand. We should see people for who they are and not what we want them to be, irrespective of our relationship with them.
Toxic people present a different picture of what they say they are and in who they truly are. It is vital that you evaluate their behaviour, and reduce our expectations, paging them on reality rather than wishes, dreams, and hopes.
While it may be hard to face the reality of letting go of the images, we have set for the people around us, we must face reality to survive through abuse and pain. You should evaluate the reasons that keep you in particular relationships with other people, deconstructing fantasy from reality. You can only move on emotionally if you accept that a person is not who you want to believe they are. The likely scenario of refusing to face reality and see people in their true colours is sustained and continuous suffering and hurt.
It is practically not healthy to find excuses for other people’s hurtful behaviour or looking for motives on why they treat you wrongly. There is a need to understand that you see is what you will get, for instance, that person who abuses you does not remotely respect you. people choose how they treat you so you must stop finding excuses for their behaviour towards you. let the toxic people's behaviour inform you of the decision you need to make for your peace of mind, health, and general happiness.
Raquel Soteldo RP(Q), MA, ABA, PMP, CCC