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You Can't Relax If You Are Angry! #SoteldoPsychotherapy #Counseling

Updated: Mar 26

a woman sitting on a couch talking to a woman

You Can’t Relax if You are Angry

There is a lifeline that affects brain development. Do you base your outlook in life on fear or

love? For most of us who were raised in an environment that was less nurturing, fear was the

main feeling and dictated the way you responded to any threat. Relaxing for us is just not

having any stress.

Life is full of stress for everyone. No matter the physical appearance of people, it only takes a

couple of questions to figure out the amount of stress they are going through. Even for those

who seem to have conquered in their careers or have achieved success in their vocations, it

does not cover up for the stress they may be undergoing.

You may be among those who were loved and supported while growing up and have a different

view of the world. Your ability to stay calm and have a enjoy life should be higher than that of

one who grew up in chaos. Nonetheless, despite your upbringing, relaxing is a skill you can

learn. You first need to understand the power of the unconscious that determines your

everyday behavior.


Last weekend, I went on a ski trip with a couple of friends. Most of us had suffered many

challenges in the past year while others were just tired. They were in demanding and

challenging situations at work with no vision or idea of a breakthrough. Taking some time off in

a lodge gave us the chance to quickly unwind and it truly was revitalizing. For me, the ideal

form of recreation is sharing enjoyable moments with family and friends. As I looked into the

word ‘recreation’ it appeared to me that all I have been doing all this time is “wreck creation.”

The heart of healthy relationships is being aware of. The opposite of awareness is anger. It is

not possible to relax if you hold onto anger. This is what is called wreck creation rather than

recreation. Maximizing on adrenaline drive at work to make a breakthrough is also a form of

wreck creation.

Wreck creation on career

Several months ago, I was taking a walk through a trail in Deer Valley, Utah, and at a corner

ahead, a couple were arguing on which was the right direction to take. One was complaining of

being tired while the other one said, “you always do this.” They stopped arguing when I went

past them but then resumed their argument.

While I was at the Alta Resort Lodge last weekend, a businessman standing at the ticket line

was yelling at his daughter who was on the phone. He walked away saying “you never pay

attention to me.”

I have witnessed similar happenings play out on most holidays I have taken. Until I looked at

this insightfully, I would become very angry when my wife took long shopping. Sometimes a

five-minute delay would mess up the rest of the day.

Wreck creation at work

Some years back, I realized that I was stressed up at work, and spending a significant amount of

time during holidays to recover. I did not have great relaxation skills which means I never fully

recovered. I decided that since I spent most of my time working, I would enjoy every bit of it.

This meant enjoying my colleagues, staff, and listening to my patients closely, and look at

problems as challenges. This made a significant difference in my work and home life including

my vacations.

What type of environment are you setting up at work? As yourself these questions to get the

right answers:

 Do I lead by intimidation or intimidation?

 Are my staff and coworkers good enough?

 What am I contributing to my work set up to make it safe and nurturing?

 Do I backbite my clients and colleagues?

 Do I spend most of my time complaining or trying to find solutions?

 Do the people I work with get excited when I walk into a room?

If you are tense at work, how will you switch things and get to relax at home or on holidays?

Why are we all in a hurry? How much do we spend caring for ourselves and for those we love?

It is imperative to relax and engage in recreation to rejuvenate and connect with your creative


Wreck creation or Recreation

Recreation is being able to swim or bathe in play hormones e.g. dopamine and oxytocin. On the

other hand, wreck creation is a result of constant harassment by stress hormones. Study shows

that you are at risk of getting ill physically or mentally. Bad behavior can destroy everything

including careers, relationships, and the lives of those around you.

Recreation and healthy relationships are based on awareness. The first thing is to fully

rejuvenate is to become aware when you are crating wreck. Remember though it’s allowed to

fail as you try. Each attempt you make has value and plays a significant role in you becoming


Dr. DeMello defines love as awareness.

Raquel Soteldo RP(Q), MA, ABA, PMP, CCC

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